I ask this question a lot to myself. When it is good to keep striving to reach your goal, and when is it okay to give up and throw in the towel and chalk it up to another learning?
I am a believer in the “pull, don’t push” method. I just made that up, but it’s the one I believe in. I believe our worlds work much better when we let our more peaceful and creative side of our minds do the heavy lifting.
One night at dinner I was talking to my fiancé. I had just had a conversation with my therapist (yes even priestesses need therapists) about this. You hear on social media all the time “never give up!” what you want is always just around the corner. Blah blah blah.
How many fucking corners do I need to turn around before this shit works out?!
I felt like I was always swimming upstream. Everything was difficult. Everything was a challenge. Nothing felt like the flow of life (eh hem, the receptive feminine mumbo jumbo I was just writing about).
It was all soooo masculine and patriarchal. Push push push, try, try, try, effort, effort, effort. Nothing in there about ease, grace, or flow.
The last words I expected out of my very male fiancé, “sometimes you need to just do the next right thing in your flow and not start from the end and work your way backward until you push a creation out, like they tell you to do”.
So everything I’ve ever learned about the law of attraction is fucking wrong?!
The law of attraction is great and all. But it won’t work anymore. The basis of the LoA is to embody a very masculine way of thinking. (remember masculine and patriarchy go together). Masculine thinking, your yang side, is direct, it pushes, it’s logical, linear and overly reasonable. The way we all grew up thinking. So what happens to all these “laws” (LoA is actually not a law in and of itself. But that’s another episode) that are law based on an outmoded, outdated way of thinking?
You guessed it, shit don’t work no more.
Have you ever internally battled “sage wisdom” you see on the internet like me? Have you ever been stuck in between “never quit” and do “do the next right thing”? Do I make an end goal in mind and break my steps down and work toward them until I reach my goal, or do I “fail fast” and “pivot”?
I’ve got a bit of a solution for you here. It’s not easy and it’ll take some time to get used to, but it works much much better. The idea here is to allow.
Ugh, those words make me want to hurl sometimes. Allow, accept, receive. BULL SHITTTTT.
It’s actually not though. These words make you want to hurl because we have been trained to believe that this is passive (therefore weak) and we can’t sit idly by as we wait for things to come to us.
Practice makes perfect. And practicing working out our feminine minds will help us with all of this. And everyone has a feminine mind. It’s the right side of your brain, you know–the one you were told to forget about when they forced you to be right-handed in school. (oh was that just me? Too bad, I’m a lefty anyway! Haha losers!)
Because see, we need to be okay with paradox before any of these words will make an impact on our lives. And paradox is inherently a feminine trait. Paradox means: to be able to hold two conflicting ideas in your mind at the same time.
So what we need to do is have a FEELING we want to achieve, not a THING, and then allow and trust life to bring us to the feeling we want. We make a move and it either brings us closer to our feeling or further away. It’s a spiritual game of hot and cold! If it’s cool, then we need to rechart our course. If it’s warm, we do more of the same.
Did you know you can’t get to the moon in one single calculation? That the path needs to be recalculated almost constantly to account for unforeseen space winds and movements in the Earth’s field. Same with our lives. If the moon is our feeling destination, then we need to chart our course daily, according to plan.
So whether to know when to quit or keep going isn’t even the question. It’s asking yourself if you are pushing or pulling. Are you forcing or flowing? Are you leading with your masculine side or walking alongside of life through your feminine side?
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Everyone’s got that picture in their head of the greasy hair slicked over to the side, plaid full-body suit, fake alligator shoes and a bad attitude guy. The fictional used car salesman. As a buyer, you know in your gut that this guy doesn’t have your best interest at heart. That he’s going to take advantage of you in some way shape or form by selling you something you don’t want, for a price that you can’t afford. But TRUE selling doesn’t have to be that way. True selling isn’t actually selling at all. True selling is sharing. True selling is believing so deeply in what you sell that you can’t not tell someone about it.
But Are We Manipulating Others When We Sell?
Marketing’s basis is in psychology. Therefore marketing can be used to manipulate another. I call this “Dark Marketing” and believe me, I have been there. Using human psychology principals to get others to buy what you want them to buy. Dark Marketers prey on a person’s blind spot or their unconscious patterns. Smart Marketers see a need and attempt to alleviate it. One is based in opportunism for self-gain and the other is based in compassion.
But there’s also this stone cold fact: Someone cannot be forced to believe or do something. Technically, no one can be manipulated.
You can only be ripe for what you are hearing and DECIDE to comply (consciously or unconsciously) or deny. Even by merely thinking we might be manipulating somebody else through selling to them, takes their power away.
It is when we feel unworthy to take up space or when we feel unworthy to be listened to, we oftentimes have the same thoughts that we are manipulating somebody into doing something they don’t want to do. But that’s just not true.
It’s nobody’s responsibility but the buyer if they get duped by a Dark Marketer.
Ended up with a product the buyer didn’t really want because they just couldn’t say no? That’s the buyer’s responsibility.
Didn’t read the fine print? That’s the buyer’s responsibility.
Didn’t see that the salesman snuck in an extra fee before they signed a paper? That’s also their responsibility; albeit it’s gross and not-transparent and THE ACTUAL DEFINITION OF SLEAZE
The buyer CHOOSING to give their money to something they felt like would add value to their life? That’s also THEIR responsibility. So why aren’t you letting them exercise their right to spend their money where they please?
Shine Bright Like a Diamond
You, my friend, are simply trying to spread your message. Spreading your message is not sneaking in an extra fee before somebody signs on the dotted line. Spreading your message is not bait and switch. Loving your work and trying to make other people’s lives better with it is not price gouging.
You are fully worthy to be listened to your fully worthy to be purchased from and you are not burdening anybody by being paid for the work that you do. Even if nobody asked you to do it.
Because people don’t know what they need until they are told they need it. Then if they are ripe to help themselves they will want to buy your product. if they are not ready to help themselves they will simply not even see that you’re offering something.
6 Ways To Not Feel Sleazy When Selling:
Believe you’re allowed to take up space.
Tell a story from your perspective. Human brains love a story and they love social proof that what you’ve done before works. Simply use your own story to sell it for you. There’s no guilt in telling a true story about your product’s affect on your life.
Don’t take anything personally. If your potential buyer doesn’t want to buy your product or they’re not interested at all, it is not a reflection of you or your work that you put time and effort into. It is only a reflection of their state of mind. It is a no for just right now and not I no forever.
Listen intently to what they tell you. Try to get a holistic picture of how they are viewing their life. And if you’re really really listening to their excuses or their rejection, then you can start to paint a picture of what’s really going on so you can sell to them better. This also helps you shape questions to ask that will take a deeper look into how they view the world.
Talk to the Right audience. You wouldn’t go into a room with doctors and start to sell Construction equipment, would you? No. That would fall on deaf ears. when you were talking to the right group of people, they tend to be more open to what you’re saying. And at the very least you can get more information on how to sell to them better. And at the very most you’ll make a new client. Make your solution specific to your buyer.
Share your message clearly with authenticity. Too many bloggers and influencers these days will use #2 above to “hotwire a connection” with their audience. It’s tricky and hard to spot. It’s present as that little kernel of grossness you feel in the back of your mind. This is Modern Sleaze to the Used Car Salesman of yesterday. Speaking clearly and authentically helps you avoid guilt because you’ve said #allthethings and this person still chose to give you money. LET THEM!
Here’s a great video by Marie Forleo on selling with integrity. Go forth and make money. You have my permission!!
Need help digging into these feelings of unworthiness more? Write to me by hitting the contact button to set up a marketing mindset coaching session!