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How many grudges do you carry or past experiences do you still hold on to? Taurus is my main signature energy laced with a LOT of Scorpio and I DEFINITELY understand a good ol’ grudge. Even though peace, love, and power are my M.O., something within me naturally holds on to negative feelings and past experiences. It’s so natural that I don’t even notice it.
And the next thing I know, I’m barely able to function because the baggage I’m carrying is so heavy. Let’s just feel into the word grudge for a moment. GRUUUUUUUDGE. It sounds heavy and muddy. It sounds like something that you drag or drudge through lifetimes of sediment on a riverbed. Sludge.
Recently, I asked to be shown what is clouding my ability to be a clear channel for the divine. What in my mind, body, emotions, and spirit needed to be purified? And boy oh boy did they answer!
Purification with the intention of creating more space for the new to come in starts the waves of clarity to roll in. I soon became overly clear on the sludge that kept me weighed down. An insane amount of past energies and negative experiences clung to my spirit like anvils. They took all my inner space where my peace should be.
My guides brought me through a series of people who have continuously hurt me, and who I’ve held grudges against for it. #neverforget. It didn’t matter if these transgressions met me by simply being unsupported, misunderstood without any attempts at understanding, or straight-up abuse… They took me through everything holding me down.
I usually turn to blame myself for “not doing it right”, whatever IT is? But this time it wasn’t about what I was doing, it’s what I WASN’T doing. I wasn’t letting it go. Of course, I can’t fly with all this grudge baggage energy.
I started to notice how I created my reality based on the vibration of “grudge” that I held. I could see clearly how my grudges were affecting my relationships now. I never ever forgot what they did and every interaction that took place between us led with the energy of “I know what you did last summer”… so-to-speak.
Here’s the real kicker that really set me free… If all my relationships are met with grudge energy, that must mean the relationship between the Universe and I was too! I held a grudge against the whole Universe for my struggle-tastic life. It always felt like the Universe never had my back, never let me partake in miracles, never favored me in a way I desired. (I was conflating the universe with my relationship to parental authority). I also held a grudge against my own soul for choosing really hard moments in this life. I existed IN SO MUCH BITTERNESS! Maybe, just maybe, so I could learn this very Taurean/Scorpionic lesson about personal power AND forgiveness.
If you’ve followed the Law Of Attraction at all, you know that being in a state of gratitude is what helps your desires arrive. No wonder I couldn’t manifest what I wanted, because GRUDGES BLOCK GRATITUDE. Therefore, holding on to grudges blocks your energetic state from being receptive. It is one pissed-off, closed-off wall. It literally fills all of your energetic space where there should be peace, openness, hope, love, and gratitude. Grudges and gratitude cannot live in the same space together.
This also ties into your expectations which create your reality. If you’re holding on to and expecting your relationships (with yourself, others, or the Universe) to f*ck you sideways in the most unpleasurable way, as it always has done, it’s going to continue to f*ck you sideways in the most unpleasurable way. You have to let go of what you have experienced to be true so the Universe can show up differently for you.
You can’t manifest on purpose if you’re using this much power to hold onto your grudges. When every thought is filled with pretend conversations on people you’re holding grudges against, you are using SO MUCH of your power that could be directed at effecting change in your life. Being able to create change in your life based on your desires is the whole point of knowing and experiencing our power as expressions of God, here on Earth, creating.
We’ve got to let all this shit go!!! We got to be clear of grudges so there’s enough space open to receive miracles and newness. Forgiveness is the key. Forgive your spouse, your friends, your mom and dad, and your siblings. Forgive the Universe, God, the planets, yourself, your soul for setting this all up, whoever it was that wronged you. Let it melt off you like butter on a summer day. Without the grease.
Spark your inner flame. Keep hold of your power. Make space for dreams to enter your mind-space. Let go of carrying the burden and allow miracles to come in. Allow space for things to be different. Don’t expect them to always be the same… or you will always get… more of the same.
And remember, forgiveness is always for you. Never for the other.
Freedom feels so good!
For a deeper perspective, check out this episode on the Badass Goddess Podcast here:
xo,
Nikki
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Success as a set of actions, not an acquisition
I just read an article about somebody googling how to be successful and it got me thinking. That person googling it must have been looking for a ten-step process to “get success”. As if success is somewhere to get it. Success simply means you can meet a goal. Success is not the actual goal. So success is the action to meet the thing, not the thing itself, despite all of the bombarding of information that it should be about money and things… so what happens when you can’t make a goal? Self-worth issues, prisoner issues, not believing you’ll get the goal because everything you’ve ever wanted was either not granted to you or taken away. Those beliefs are why you are not successful (when success means meeting a goal)
You don’t have to be productive to be valuable, but you also can’t completely throw productivity to the wind and say you’ll just relax because I heard relaxing is really good for you. This is a rut. It’s an energetic dimension that is a loop. Loops are hard to get out of. But simply by looking at this, recognizing that it’s a pattern, you automatically alchemize it. You can start to see the pattern from a third-party perspective instead of being IN IT. And that’s the case for all patterns. We are so in it we are blinded. We are too far inside the jar to read the label. By when we apply consciousness to it, you become a third party viewing your patterns thereby pulling you out of the pattern. And when you are pulled out of the pattern by becoming a visitor of the show, you now have pulled your darkness into the light. You have pulled your subconscious into the light. And the light is no longer your subconscious, but your consciousness. And when something is in your consciousness you are in full conscious control of making new decisions which will manifest new realities for you. Life is a compilation of our behaviors. And if our behaviors are not conscious, neither are our choices. Yet, were still held responsible for those choices.
Manifesting new realities
Our life is a manifestation of our beliefs because our beliefs create our behaviors. And because literally, every single part of life is a relationship, every single thing is interacting with us and responding or reacting based off that thing’s behavior. So, if you are in the world behaving a certain way, your immediate reality will reflect that. It is also a massive case of chicken and the egg. You’re reacting off someone else’s pain body and they’re reacting off of yours with no end in sight. But when you apply consciousness to your actions, you immediately change the way the world relates to you.
The myth of instantaneous change
You can’t just snap your fingers and change.
Imagine you’re on a rock looking down on a city. Inside of you thinks, wow that city is beautiful because you can only see the tops of the buildings. Imagine every building is a person you know and yourself. Seeing just the tops that touch the sky is not going to change your behavior. You have to be willing enough to go deep down to the basement floors that are unseen from any vantage point. You can’t look at it from afar. You must physically travel there to see it. Behaviors cannot be forcefully changed despite popular belief. Doing that only creates more unhelpful beliefs inside of you.
As a kid, I had OCD pretty severely. Long story short, I cured myself. And I did it by forcing new behaviors whilst I forcefully pushed down the behaviors that were creating the OCD loop. While that worked wonders and probably saved my life from the never-ending daunting pain of OCD, I learned in the meantime that I should forcefully push, and therefore ignore, every single negative thought I’ve ever had. And let me tell you that has negative consequences beyond your belief. It took me years to unwind the damage I did to save myself.
Most people don’t want to do this work yet want a better life. They are scared and they feel helpless. They want their life to either just magically get better or hold on to a fantasy that somebody is going to come around and swoop them up and save them with either money, attention, or free mentorship. And this rounds me back out to the beginning of this chat. Getting out of the mental loop that you’re some kind of prisoner or hermit that must wait for a passerby to throw a crumb in order to get anywhere. But my friend, you actually have the keys to your cage. You simply need to be brave enough to look at your wounds and your pain, be willing to change the way you see yourself and make conscious decisions on your next behavior. It’s not easy, it’s not for the weak, but once you decide to do it there’s literally nothing stopping you. Just like your goals to your success.
